Loose Grip

Pretend the barre is a kitty's neck. This was my teacher's advice when giving direction on how to interact with handling the barre. As a ballet dancer if you grip that barre, which you would never do to a small kitten's neck, you won't be prepared for center. The result will be faulty muscle memory, a limited dance mobility, and mostly it reveals your trust in the barre over your own training. It's a crutch that destroys any chance of successful center work.

Oh, how my training has been littered with gripping! Gripping muscles, gripping the barre, gripping the floor with my toes. Most recently Jon has even given me feedback that I look reserved and unable to release and relax on stage. He's not wrong. I wish he was, but grip is my habit. A habit born from the deepest of insecurities.

Today I noticed another gripping. Noticed is a lame word. It's completely inadequate to describe a glaring stare down into an area of my heart that is dark, embarrassing, and I'm not quite sure even how to handle it so I guess write it down to share with the internet???

I've wanted to start This Bun's Not Done for at least two years. I've sat with this baby idea waiting for it to sprout and wondering what it would become and why it should exist at all. I knew recently that it was almost time to hatch and share the concept, as God would not let it go from my heart. As the day came closer I hesitated the launch. My hesitation came from an awareness that I wanted This Bun's Not Done for myself, and like anything in our lives, it never belonged to me in the first place. This is where it gets embarrassing. I wanted to share my story as a bun head who was too determined to give up on her dream of dancing as some sort of heroic tale. To be a representation of a real life underdog that inspired others to go after their own dreams.

You may be thinking... what's so ugly and dark about that desire? If I'm honest it was an idea motivated by selfish ambition to find worth in something I can produce as an artist. And guess what. I've got nothing to offer that the Lord needs. As harsh as that seems, it's freeing and straight from the mouth of Jonny straight from the heart of God and exactly what I needed to hear to start the journey toward laying my desires down at the feet of Jesus. To release my grip, or at least begin the process.

I tend to grip my dreams. I keep them safely hidden from most of those around me and hope that they either go away or bring me great notoriety. Isn't that really at the heart of a lot of social media posts these days? I can't remember the last time I posted a picture of my kitchen in it's current messy state, or my face with no make up, because I only want to show my successes. I paint the picture of the life as I hope people see it so they give me some strange stamp of approval that my soul craves like an afternoon coffee after a four hour night of sleep... desperately. But caffeine isn't sleep now is it?

This picture is me putting my money where my mouth is. This here is three weeks ago in our garage. Woah - that's a mess!

I've been afraid to release and produce This Bun's Not Done because I am terrified to let people see what I have to offer, and more so what I don't. There is a good chance that it won't be good enough. My pride and humility are held with a death grip so that I am not exposed for what I really am. A normal broken woman who doesn't do great in the kitchen, and sacrifices sleep and rest to impress the world with designs, dances, and an occasional witty joke. However I don't need to be anything but a daughter of the King, and He has called me to share.

I think about Moses complaining to God that he couldn't go address Pharaoh because of his speech deficiencies. I remember feeling confused the first time I heard the story that he would be in trouble with God. I mean he really did have a problem talking and then God was sending him in to talk to a really big deal guy and not just talk to him but command him to release God's people. As I studied the story I learned that God's disappointment came in Moses' lack of faith in God's ability to fill in his gaps. God consistently uses the humble, the lowest, the most needy to make his glory known.

My new revelation via Jon and tears this afternoon is helping me to realize that the only way to do this thing right is to show you everything. Not the polished version but the uncut, raw, and sometimes ugly side, so that when the beauty comes, you are just as privy to the journey as I am and you know the credit of the good goes to God and not me. You don't have to be a dancer to know that life is messy, God is the artist, and we are his canvases. We need to see how lost we are to know we need found. That's the real story I have to share. How I dance and He gives correction. It is my delight to let go of my grip in this moment so He can get to work. I can't wait to see what becomes of his canvases.

Psalm 37:4 Take Delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

#dreams #ballet #dancer #moses #gripping #technique